J. THE GENIUS OF DIALOGUE

"There are three truths: my truth, your truth and the Truth."

--ancient Chinese proverb

Because of the truth of that proverb which I've repeated above. it's important for us to be in touch with people who see Reality differently than we do because there's always the possibility that we might learn something new and helpful.  A contemporary Jewish philosopher, Martin Buber, popularized the idea of dialogue as the best means for dealing with the differences of perception among us in our quest for Truth.

Dialogue, he says, is much different from a pair of monologues, or argument, or debate.  The purpose of dialogue is not to win over an adversary, but rather to work cooperatively to draw closer to the truth.  The process of dialogue involves two things: on the one hand the willingness to articulate one's point of view as carefully as possible, and on the other hand to listen to the point of view of the other as carefully as possible.

This means that listening is as important as speaking.  Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio commentator, has reported that he is growing deaf.  But, remarkably enough, he has said, "All I've lost is my ability to hear.  It doesn't mean I've lost my ability to communicate."  That certainly raises questions about his understanding of the meaning of communication.  It's not by accident that we have two ears and only one mouth.   We do well to use them in ratio.  Supposing someone you were talking with said, :"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant"  Sometimes it's helpful in dialogue to do a "reality check"periodically, that is to check your understanding of what the other person is saying.  "I hear you saying that..." and if your hearing is not accurate the other person has an opportunity to express it again and perhaps more clearly.  It is also possible that when a person expresses his point of view out loud, or hears it reflected back to him, it occurs to him that he doesn't really think or feel that way at all, and is open to rephrasing his perception.

It can be true of your own perception as well.  John Chapman wrote a letter to Henry James in which he said, "Speak out opinions before you think...Thus you will give your mind a chance of forming them in a natural way--unconsciously.  Accustom yourself to not knowing what your opinions are until you have blurted them out and thus find what they are.  That's what talk is for..."  Thus if you both understand the process of dialogue you needn't be locked into a rigid point of view, but rather be aware of a flowing process in which you re trying to help each other reach the Truth.  This doesn't mean compromising your convictions or pretending agreement that you don't feel.  It simply means being open to the possibility that there may be more Truth than you have yet grasped.

Thus dialogue can be a useful strategy in any number of engagements of ideas from academic discussion to family arguments.  It can be a win-win situation in which both parties can be drawn closer to an understanding of Reality by means of a process in which each person respects the integrity and openness of the other.  In a music appreciation class the prof asked the questions, "What's the difference between hearing and listening?  Finally one student gave a good answer, "Listening is when you want to hear."

And how about the internal dialogue with oneself?  You don't have to be schizophrenic to know that we seem to have many "selves " from time to time, and one is not crazy letting these "selves" argue with one another on occasion.  This is another place where your personal journal can be useful.  Again, the important thing is to listen to what each of your"selves" is saying or feeling so that no internal voice is silenced.  Another good place for writing a dialog in your journal.

As we observe all the areas of tension in the world today, ranging all the way from argument to all-out war, between nations, between races, between social and economic groups as well as between married couples, parents and their children and next door neighbors, we can only imagine how tensions might be lessened and even reconciliation brought about if all parties would be willing to listen to their adversaries and listen, especially to the pains of the other.

Often what goes on in the name of communication is really propaganda or advertising, and most of that is a one-way transmission over radio or TV to which we have no opportunity to respond with "follow-up questions" and enter a conversation.  There is a difference between information and indoctrination.  The most useful information is that which arises in the course of a two-way exchange, especially if it is an exchange whose purpose isn't the victory of one point of view over the other,  but increased enlightenment on both sides.

This is not to say that there isn't a place for debate; certainly there is.  After maximum efforts have been undertaken to get the most accurate information possible, one side of an issue will be strongly defended or proposed over the other side.  This is how democracy works.  Political campaigns finally come down to this, whether for a candidate or a referendum issue.  But the mistake we often make is to move too quickly to debate before getting the full story by means of dialogue.


EXTENDED READING IF YOU'RE INTERESTED;

The Miracle of Dialogue, by Ruel Howe.  This is a l963 Seabury paperback  (likely out-of-print) that may be difficult to locate, but if it can be found it's well worth reading.


NEXT TIME:  WHEN DIALOGUE ISN'T POSSIBLE

TOOLS AND APPROACHES   - J

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